I ended my last blog artsymama on a cold December day in 2011. I had written over 1000 posts and shared bits of my life with the world and connected with like-minded folks in those early days of blogging. Strangers watched my kids grow from infants to toddlers to beginning school. That was when it suddenly came crashing down on me that I needed to do something with my days while the kids were at school and without a strong sense of purpose, I figured that it meant that I had more time to be working-at my traditional job of being a librarian. I ended my blog when it was no longer feeling authentic anymore and relied on bits of creativity seeping into my days at the public library, followed by a school library, then at a public garden and now back to a school library. Always looking for my job to fulfill the need of keeping my creativity close and also a means of making money. This has left me perplexed and discontent for far too long. A good time for a new beginning?
Over the past two years, I have filled 25 journals writing for several hours each and every morning, waking shortly after 4 am to spill and unravel and reconnect with my creative self. This has helped me see opportunity where I hadn't seen it before and gave me the confidence to try new things. I still have been very hung up on my prime 8 hours of my day spent on something that I am not fully passionate about but checking off the list of being busy while the kids are in school, now as two teenagers.
My own becoming and now full dedication to a life of creativity has unveiled itself through letters to my childhood self in the form of an apology, an encouraging letter to my 5th grade self who dreamed of becoming a writer and a letter from my future self giving advice back to my current self, letting her know that everything is going to be ok. These culminated in my pure devotion to the creative impulse and the letter I wrote below. I now fully heed the calling that has always been with me to live my life as my art. So I began this new blog as an evolution of the artsymama blog. A bit of a "where is she now". Also a place to express my process while I'm in it. It won't be polished or a fully digested reflection, but more of raw and honest tales from the woods. I thought I'd throw these thoughts and images back out into the blogosphere where I first began, with no expectation other than a platform to share of myself and my journey.
You have broken me open and my creative energy flows
I have unravelled my past and released my authenticity from the confines it has resided in
those that society, family and most of all myself have kept me suffocating in the hole of unworthiness
I now have the hubris to be seen and heard, if only for myself
unfurling my own becoming, constantly growing
unfurling my own becoming, constantly growing
I am done rattling the cages, I am now set free
I am committed to making my life my art
I dedicate my days to following this path and bringing my true self to form
Patti Smith answers the eternal question of "how does one make ones work a living thing?" in Devotion. "Perhaps it's not where we are going but just that we go. To bring to form something... "better than I am. That would justify the trials and indiscretions......because we cannot simply live." I live through curiosity and questions, following the threads.
